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What happened to part 1? Decided to not post it yet. But this one is dedicated to 21 Jump Street.
21 Jump Street
Hanson’s latest partner (to Hanson): With these things, you just have to take it as it is. If life throws me a lemon, I’ll just make a martini.
America, What A Town
Doug: They’re running?
Hanson nodding: They’re running!
Gotta Finish the Riff
Captain Fuller: Hoffs and Hanson!
Judy: We’re up.
Doug (to Hanson): There’s one thing I want you to remember, okay? That guy in there is a human being–your boss, a captain, a superior officer, a professional policeman like yourself–who can make our lives miserable, if he gets teed off.
Hanson: I’m getting behavioral advice from you?
Doug: Take it.
(After Hanson walks into Fuller’s office already)
Doug (sees a guy walking by with something in his hand): Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where’d you get that?
Guy: I found it!
Doug: Yeah, you found it! You found it in my desk is where you found it! You go in my stuff again, Ace, I’m gonna twist your head off.
Doug: Yeah. I’m serious.
Guy: I can tell.
Doug: What planet did you drop in from, man? This is my house! I live here!
Guy: Yeah? Well, we’re roommates now, Ace.
Hanson: Captain Fuller, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything.
Captain Fuller: Okay, I won’t. What?
Hanson: I usually work with Penhall on an assignment like this.
Captain Fuller: You guys dating?
Hanson (scoffs): Okay. Forget it. You’re the boss. You made that clear. I’m sorry I brought it up.
Captain Fuller: No, no, no. You can bring it up. Look, from what I know about Reggie Brooks, he’s got a thing for hot-looking ladies. And um, I don’t think he’s gonna go for Penhall in a wig.
Captain Fuller (to the others): Hey, how about letting them take those guys downtown and the rest of us go out for pizza?
Doug: You got to take it step-by-step, you know what I mean?
Hanson: The way you’re taking it, by the time midterm comes around, we’ll be busting the president of Columbia.
Doug: The school or the country?
Doug: There was once a cop here who wears that and one day he just disappeared…
Hanson: Maybe I should take it to dry-cleaning and put it back in the locker. Maybe he’ll come back one day.
Hanson (to Harry): How can you cash the check if you’re dead?
After School Special
Judy: What’s wrong?
Hanson: I have a lunch date with my mom and Bob.
Doug: Bob’s Ms. Hanson’s boyfriend.
Hanson: Bob sells cars.
Ioki: Really? Maybe he could get me a good deal.
Hanson: I’ll set him up with your mom.
Doug (to Hanson): Bowling? You two have something in common already. Imagine two men competing for the world’s most boring sport.
Judy: What about you? Do you think you can be a father? You think you can handle it?
Doug: Just give me a frying pan and a stick of butter.
Harry: By the way, how’s Doug doing?
Hanson: The boy’s a natural soldier.
Hanson: How about a kiss first?
Doug: Hey, pucker up.
Doug (to Hanson): Next time, how about a little warning first?
You Ought to Be in Prison
Capt. Fuller: He has been receiving threatening letters.
Doug: Good, where do I send mine?
Doug: Now, I could go drink cocktails with him or I could go do my laundry.
Hanson: How many quarters do you have?
Doug: I was great!
(Hanson waves his hand in a so-so motion)
Doug: I got some applause!
Hanson: Yeah, that’s because they wanted to go home!
Lady: I like to thank you guys for all your help.
Harry: We were just doing our job, ma’am.
Doug: Thank you, Sergeant Friday.
Christmas in Saigon
Doug (to Ioki): Better pack your bags. It’s straight back to Tokyo!
Doug (to Ioki): You’re as good as back! How about giving me that 10 bucks you owe me?
Fear and Loathing with Russell Buckins
Doug (reading): Love you always…Deb. (normal voice again) Isn’t that sweet?
Hanson: Well, “always” turned out to be 3 and a half weeks.
Doug: You missed something, man. You missed being a teenager.
Hanson: Maybe, yeah. But now, they pay me to do that.
Doug: Wait a minute! Since when did I become my partner’s keeper?
Capt. Fuller: Since you were sworn in.
Doug: I was 50 yards away. What did you want me to do? Throw my body in front of the car? I didn’t know the car was going to take off.
Doug (to Hanson): You choose a poor time to be irresponsible.
A Big Disease With a Little Name
Doug: We don’t have to use words to communicate.
Hanson: She deaf?
Capt. Fuller: And blind.
Doug: Thanks, Captain.
Penny: Before we go out, I have to ask you something.
Penny: No, the whale.
Chapel of Love
Capt. Fuller: You’re asking moi, Adam Fuller, if I have a date on Valentine’s Day?
Capt. Fuller: Of course not.
Sal: Hi Mr. D’Angelo.
Mr. D’Angelo: Just call me…Dad.
Hanson: So the waiter was the devil that was on your shoulder?
Hanson: Are you sure?
Hanson: Just a guess.
Doug: Would you mind? I’m trying to tell a story here.
Harry: Do you know that story they tell you… “Don’t look under the bed…”
Hanson and Sal joined in with Harry: Don’t go into the bar, Penhall!
Judy: Do you believe that?
The others: NO!
Hanson (to Amy): Let’s have this conversation at home. I don’t want the neighbors to miss anything.
Hanson: What’s wrong with you people? We’re friendly!
Doug checks his armpits to see if ‘odor’ had to do with people running away from them
Teacher: You’re related?
Ioki & Doug nodding: Yeah, we’re twins.
Teacher: You’re not identical twins.
Doug: Then we look alike.
Ioki: We’re from a mixed marriage. We were born two minutes apart.
Doug: In two different countries.
Doug: Ioki’s smoking hot!
Hanson: How did you get so good with crossword puzzles?
Ioki: The answer’s on page 29.
The Dragon and the Angel
Doug: I feel bad, you know, with this mess and all.
Hanson: Don’t worry about it, okay?
Doug: See, I feel stupid. You don’t know how sorry I am.
Hanson: Doug, I know you’re sorry. You know how I know? You apologized 430 times already. You cleaned my desk. You washed my car. You brought a…whoopee cushion. You sharpened all my pencils.
Doug: Any of them need resharpening?
Hanson: No! No.
Doug: It’s just that you know, shooting your own partner is a very stupid thing to do. You gotta be a little mad at me.
Hanson: No, I’m not.
Doug: Oh, you gotta be.
Hanson: No, I don’t gotta be.
Doug: It’s unhealthy to keep this stuff pent up. You should let the steam off. Get it off your chest.
Hanson: All right, all right! I sharpen my own pencils, pal, understand? No one sharpens my pencils but me. No one.
Doug: Then you are a little mad.
Hanson: Of course I’m mad! You shot me in the ass. And I’ll never forgive you, okay?
Doug: Wonderful. Terrific. One little mistake and you’ll always hold a grudge against me for the rest of my life? Fabulous!
Captain Fuller: Excuse me. What the hell is going on here?
Captain Fuller: Have you two been to the department psychiatrist yet?
Doug: Well, I called but he was on vacation.
Captain Fuller: Then make an appointment at county. It’s mandatory for officers involved in shootings to undergo psychiatric evaluations. The two of you get down there now or I will have both your butts. You understand me?
Psychiatrist: Was there any tension between you two right before the shooting?
Doug: No, none.
Psychiatrist: Because sometimes our subconscious has a…greater power than we realize. These accidents may be a release of built-up resentments.
Doug: So, you’re saying that I shot him deliberately?
Hanson: Oh, I know he didn’t shoot me on purpose, Doc. I know that.
Psychiatrist: I’m simply ascertaining your relationship prior to the incident.
Doug: Let me try to save you a little time here. Because you’re sniffing up the wrong tree. He’s my buddy and I would never shoot…ascertain, what does that mean?
Psychiatrist: Are there times when you feel unduly annoyed at your partner’s behavior, habits?
Hanson: Well… Sometimes, I wish he wasn’t so sloppy.
Doug: Oh, he’s Mr. Tidy. That gets on my nerves. But we’re friends.
Hanson: And sometimes, I wish he would try to be on time.
Doug: Oh, this is the punctual kid here. That gets annoying. But it’s cool.
Hanson: And sometimes, it seems like he doesn’t work as hard as he should.
Doug: You know, there are things about you I don’t like either.
Doug: And sometimes, I wish that I could… Oh my god. (turning to the psychiatrist) You’re right.
Doug: I did mean to shoot you.
Hanson: You did?
Doug: I did it on purpose. I have built-up resentments.
Psychiatrist: Classic case of aggressive transference.
Hanson: I should have never turned my back on you.
(A man walks into the room.)
Man: Vicki! How many times… Go back to your room.
Vicki aka the supposed psychiatrist (standing up from desk): I just had that urge, you know?
(They could all see aside from her doctor’s white coat, she has on her pajamas underneath–along with slippers.)
Real Psychiatrist: I’m sorry, gentlemen. I was running late. And Vicki, she lapses now and then. (reading from a file) A shooting, I see. (looking up at both guys now) Are you two familiar with aggressive transference?
Hanson: Yes. How do you feel?
Hanson: Me too.
Doug: Thanks, Doc.
(The guys made a move to leave super fast.)
What About Love?
Dorothy: You are leaving!
Doug: But this is my house.
Doug: Dorothy threw me out.
Hanson: That’s terrible. Come on in. Want to talk about it or something?
Doug: I kind of need a place to crash.
Hanson: Need a place for the night? You got it. Come on in.
Doug: Actually…I need a place to live.
(Hanson looking all hesitant like he’s weighing the pros and cons)
Doug: You don’t think our friendship could survive living together?
Hanson: Do you?
How I Saved the Senator
Reporter: What does this have to do with the Senator?
Harry: Background story!
Doug: You’ve been reading too many Jap comics!
*This post will be updated from time to time as see fit.